dead bone

13752.) You are not alone. You are not undeserving. You are worth it and you are loved.

(via blogsecret)

wrappin up 2009

Read through Smitshaw’s summary for the year and realized…I wanna do one too. So I’m skimming through my journal, looking back on the shittiest year of my life. Here we go:

January Started off the year with back then’s closest friends. whatever it was January, I had friends. Almost got beat up for cutting some motorcycle gang off on the streets by accident. Tried something new that was too painful to continue trying, ya know. Strangely, I loved myself a lot in January. I was happy. I was also very very in love, apparently.

February Fabiola moved in. We were nervous about it ruining our friendship but so far all was real good. Valentines was a scene and there was crying and all this junk cause I was 16 and stupid. Then I reached a year into my first relationship. A week later we broke up…the next day we got back together.

March Unimportant

April Started blooming into Negative Nancy. I had been accepted into A&M but I was starting to have 2nd thoughts. Went to New York with school for the 2nd time. I was real whatever about the people on the trip but everyone seemed to like me so it was alright. Fell in love with Broadway. Started taking these freakish dieting pills that made my heart beat 1000 m/h, screwed up my metabolism, didn’t loose any significant amount of weight. Began to slowly become more and more frustrated with my physical appearance.

May Fabiola and I were going through a rough patch. Pedro got high jacked. We didn’t go to his prom, I was secretly bummed. Tried doing things to get in shape…didn’t work in my favor. Relationship with my mom got rocky. Stopped taking those diet pills. Felt even shittier about myself? Angst. Angst. Angst.

June School let out. Got a car. Pedro went to Boston: missed him a lot. Fabiola moved out: missed her a lot. Brother & sister went to Germany: strangely enough, missed them. Caught swine flu and felt like death in a bottle. Fell in love with my bike. Was really optimistic and happy.

July I was just vibin’. I was happy. Got rid of swine flu. Worked out everyday. Felt good about myself and my body. Dropped out of summer school after one day. Fought with Pedro about it but I was still happy with life and my decisions.

August I went to the beach a lot. I was totally content with life and everyone in it. Enjoyed wearing bathing suits. I got into my first car crash. I had a real good birthday for the first time in years. Started school at A&M, hated it and left after two days. Went back to Killian and was happy.

September Realized I fucked up by dropping out of my summer school classed. Once again, became disgusted with my physical appearance. Started sucking at school BIG time. Grandma started feeling sick, Negative Nancy.

October Grandma got diagnosed with liver cancer. Everyday sucked, I was never happy but I tried really hard to be. Started sucking even harder at school. Got diagnosed with some sleeping disorder.

November Grandma died. Hated everything about life. Faked 99.8% of my happiness. started fucking around with my eating habits. Had NO self confidence. Gave up on all my friends.

December Fucked up my foot. 2 parking tickets within one week. My grades became bullshit, my self-esteem vanished. Dad got sent to Afghanistan. Got my car gated in over night. Fights with my mom increase. Pedro ends our 2 year relationship. Realized Paola is someone I could really trust and confide in. Kissed a boy, I shouldn’t have. Relationship with my mom gets better.

Me and pedro are workin on doing this friend thing which is hard but he’s still in Boston so we haven’t really been able to cross that bridge yet. Me and my moms relationship has gotten a lot better. Im startin to do better in school which is stressful but well worth it. 2009 has been bullshit, I mean not all of it but for the most part. Im hoping I can get my life back in order and maybe get my love life back to the way it used to be, get back to my art, start networking in order to really get ready for what it is I want to do in my near future. 2010 please be good to me.